its been so long that ive written in here..but so much has happend to me that im even more numb than i thought i ever could be. im living in the background and feeling as angrily neutral as possible.

my boyfriend broke up with me on saturday, right when i got home from my week in NYC. i dont talk to him for a week and its all gone. every single grain of our relationship is blown away with the wind from the engine of the plane.
gone.
im so broken. i randomly cry. im so angry at myself that i thought i could attach to someone...and i did. i still am. i love him so much it fucking hurts me. i feel like im going to throw up. the stress hit my body immediately and my mouth has swollen up....thats what i do when i get really stressed....i get randomly sleepy and just want to sleep for hours...i need to talk to him. he was the only good thing in my life that i knew would be consistantly good....and like every other fucking good thing ive had or come close to, it ends prematurely.
ive had it.
with everything.
just....falling asleep for a year never sounded so nice.

today i got incredibly angry and just acted out. i got rid of some of the shit thats built up within the past year or so....i busted my hand. the metacarpal that attaches to my 5th phalange...my room is completely trashed. there are dents in the door. i kinda dislocated my hip from kicking....it WAS kinda nice..but at the same time i never knew i could full-fledge puch with my right fist for about an hour.

i sure am a gem!!

ive entered a period of my life where NO ONE fucking messes with me anymore. ill eat them alive so fast that their jaw will still be yakin the smak that they talk. i dont care what anyone thinks about me anymore. i seriously feel like im going a bit insane, just cause i feel like a piece of veal that cant move outta its cage, yet the butcher that wants to kill me has taunted me throughout my sheltered life.
daggers n brass knuckles DO solve problems.

i wish i could redo the past six months of my life. i wouldve never even gotten close to N(xy) cause of what he all did to me and didnt even care. he put me through such pain that i had to deal with all by myself. he called me a liar for what he was part of too. he played a part in ruining things with my boyfriend. i didnt feel for him. i just had relations to him cause i dont get attention from other people. i didnt know that when i was with him. i thought i had feelings for him cause he paid attention to me. does that make sense?
(backstory: as a kid, i didnt get much attention cause my parents were always fighting, then my father would leave, then my mom would cry and we would console her. we didnt KNOW love. so my sister and i are overcompensating now for it...even in self destructive ways. i now feel horrible about that. i wish i could go back and fix my mistakes)

i could fill a pool with the tears ive shed these past months. then i could swim in it and prey to drown.

all my friends have left me. or ive left them. theyve all gone off into their downward spiral of perscription drugs and dealing all sorts of other street drugs. theyve become holier than thou. turned into assholes. just left cause they didnt like me. gossiped about me. all that shit. im all alone now.
completely alone.

i think thats part of the reason why i just went insane today. i even wrapped my hands in fabric and theyre still all busted up..

right now, i just want to change myself completely-a typical break up victim. i want to dye my hair. get a tattoo. get new clothes. and not be alone.
i want to start all over.
i would if i could.
these lessons have taught me nothing but that i was cheap. now im not. that sex isnt love. just sex isnt fufilling. sex left me with the most alone feeling in the world...id often go home and cry and wonder what the fuck i was doing then do it again later,feel fine for a bit...then feel like the biggest slut in the world. thats all it taught me. now im getting judged for it. by my boyfriend. i trusted him enough to tell him everything and hes judging me cause of it. he wont get it out of his head. he wont accept it. thats apparently part of the reason why he broke up with me.....
god.........if i wouldve known, i wouldve kept my legs shut and gone without the attention addiction...although it was so hard to break.

the past six months have been filled with physical and emotional sickness. i had a stomache parasite. throat problems. tonsilitis. fevers. constant nausea. not being able to eat. getting delerious. ive lost and gained and lost and gained weight...right now,im at about 125, but my muscles are pretty untoned cause i spent so many weeks bedridden.

school has been okay, aside from all the assholes and gossip and depression. i have stuff in galleries and fashion shows and shit. good grades, i guess...

i dont think its all worth it. i dont know if this is all some demeted fuck's crazy plan for me or if this is all a joke....i dont know....
i really hope that ill get him back.
i dont want to date anyone else.
if i could lay out cards on a table about how people make me feel, when it came to his turn, id have this big, wonderful bright n shiny card...while mostly everyone else would have little white cards.
he just gives me this tremendous feeling..i want to be a better person cause of him..
just please...let this be a joke..