sometimes I just get huge bursts of pain cause of the things I've been through in my life.
I don't have a picture of my mother and my father and I. I would kill for one.
I sometimes get flashbacks of when my father would get very violent.
the time with the shovel
the broken windows
the gun to my head.
the belt
the paddle
the prostitutes
the drugs
the crying
the screaming
the running
the praying

all of that. it still hurts and my parents have no clue that I occasionally just turn back to four years old again and just cry and cry and cry on my bed and beg to hear them and for a hug from them. I fuckin cry hysterically....no one knows. All I want is someone to hug me. Someone to just hold me for a long time. I've tried to find that, but it's all men who want sex in return. I followed that path and it hurt me even more..I would do anything, ANYTHING for that hug, for that feeling of safety, ANYTHING. I just wanted to feel safe again. I feel like I stopped growing at one point, when I was young, cause I sometimes just lose it and cry...and cry and cry, til my eyes are raw.

I love everyone in my life so much I could explode. I wish they knew how much I care about them. it's just so concentrated I feel as if I'm going to implode. I've never got that feeling back. I try to look out for them and make them safe and be motherly to them, but they don't listen, and then they say that no one cares about them, and I feel awful cause I'm not doing a good enough job. I'm not good enough for any of that.

Every single person. Every single person that has my love like that has hurt me...At times, I just want to stop functioning on my bed. I have before. I didn't leave the house much last summer. Or the summer before. Or ever. I do admit I get attached rather quickly and I care sooo deeply that it hurts...

things haunt me too much. they just sneak into my brain in the middle of the day.
the ceiling and the needles and the sucking sound
chasing my father with his guns
cocaine on the kitchen table
seeing my mother at my grandmothers on the day after christmas crying.
the broken front window.

that's just some...I just want to erase my brain and start over. I wish that they ended up happy together. and that I had a normal life. I just want to escape to someplace...to another time..I wonder what it would be like...to not squirm when someone hugs you cause you think that they're going to grab your hands together and drag you into a car.
I'm just very scared on the inside...that's all.
I need a hug very very badly.