So I pussied out pretty bad last nite. I felt so bad for tara. Everyone had someone last nite, kissing on their car in the parking lot. everyone was dancing with someone. Everything was plural, but me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I havent had a date in almost a year. I thought I looked nice last nite, but no male chose to tell me so. Maybe I didnt to them. Maybe I should wear chuck taylors with a dress with tulle sticking out underneath it? Every girl I know that dresses like that has a fuckin boyfriend. Just go back to wearing your fuckin monkey pyjama pants.
I cried and cried and cried last nite. I felt like I was in so much pain. something must be wrong wtih me. I never cry. I never really get down. I just want to be accepted. In my blurred drunkeness, I remember hearing "our day will come" and just feeling horribly enraged and wanting to kill that cock of an ex boyfriend of mine. I could, if I wanted to. He's gotta be one of the most normal fuckin assholes I've ever met, I was just goo over him cause I met someone who knew who was I was talking about, musically, but I dont think he knows that much about music anyways. He's one of those guys who says the same thing to every girl then dumps her. He's one of those guys who hates everything for no good reason, to be a badass, I guess. I hate guys like him, he's like everyone I've ever met.
Anyways. I doubt I'll get a date anytime soon. pat was supposed to show, but he didnt. He ditched out on me to go to the fuckin sand dunes. what the fuck?

I want a little home with alsphalt grass.
The kitchen will be inspired by REAL cars, not cricket lighter cars of today. RED, WHITE, CHROME AND BLACK. Red gingham curtains and towels, white cabinets, chrome handles, red kitchenaid utensils, black chairs with chrome detailing, 50s kitchenette. and best of all, FIESTAWARE. FIESTAWARE FOR EVERYTHING.
The bathroom will be themed in religion. Gaudy jesus candles from mexico, as well as a ceramic madonna as a centerpiece. An embroidered piece on the wall that reads 'CLEANLINESS IS GODLINESS' and the walls will be scarlet blood red. Little wooden buddahs and chinese feng shui items in auspicious locations.
The den will be like a 60s lounge, mostly in low key olive greens, marroons and shaggy fluffy rugs and nicely constructed comfy furniture and those space age tables and lots of neat books.

Now that I look back, I'm still confused
the words that stung then, now defused
I dont think you meant them all
the words you said were an awful call

the past nine months have been a pain
I swear to god, they're all insane
the backstabbing, the murderous rage, no backing up into the corners of the cage...

what is said is what is done
but since they're unempathetic, they think they won
I dont mind at all, they set themselves up for a fall and I am fine.

when you itch a wound it scars
after what you learn it goes far
how can you reget a thing when what you do and what you see is actually who you are?