Don't you just love it when you go through a day with whiplash from the past, present, and future? Just jerking back and forth with things from the past the effect the present which will effect something totally different of the future.

after my mom got out of surgery, she hugged me, told me she loved me and said I smelled good. I said it was the aquanet.

Calls all day..Every few moments, I would be intterupted by electric reggae beats by the most random person, the most random being a friend from junior high that I no longer talk to wanting to hang out and splatter her emotional bullshit all over me, as well as her herpes. no thanks, sweetheart.
One from an adorable boy, by "accident". I don't think accidents turn into half-hour chitchat sesssions...i don't know.

Things sometimes are so jaded....I'm so trapped in this one-sided world. Things are easy though, these days...
No more health problems.
No more questioning simple things.
Just my art. My shows. My friends. My music.

Tonite is a type of nite where it would be nice to just fall asleep on someone. I'm yearning for those less often cause I'm just maturing. The only company I prefer to take is the company of the void, ya know? The company of a real person is slightly frightening, all cause I know my emotions will stick all over their poor body, and when they rip off, it'll snap back at me and hurt. I don't want that anymore.

I'm so scared lately...
I don't know of what....
I guess it's just that I'm looking straight into the blind future. I have nothing really to hold me back.
I have no roots.
I'm just another faceless sap in this society that's just going to spend money and die.

I know I'm going to end up travelling all over, talking to people in bars and end up being one of those humble people. Whenever I picture myself being older, I always picture myself like a man. I don't know why. I've got a brain like a man.
I fight.
I curse.
I like scooters and tattoos.
I date like a man.

I always picture myself alone, drinking, travelling and writing....All shelled by a body like victor ruggerio. I think I picture myself as a man only cause I view women as too high matinence and unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I want to be humble and drunk.

I feel like sleeping on the roof tonite. I feel like writing. I like to look over my neighborhood and see it guarded by badly kempt palm trees and seeing the tops of roofs dotted with weathered air conditioners. Tops of trees heavy with oranges. Dirt all over the roofs. I love it. I love how filthy arizona is. I hate it here. I want to stay forever. I want to leave and come back and have "phoenix city" by the skatalites play on the car radio when I come into the pollution bowl and suck it all into my lungs and be proud that I was born and raised in this shithole. I love Phoenix.

I'll do my time in New York City. I think I owe it something, just like every goddamn artist on this earth. I owe it something, it'll suck me dry and I'll prostitute my art out and have nothing left except my memories and experiences.

I don't know how I'll turn out. Everyone always says I'll have a babyface. I'll always look young. I'll always look like I do now. I never pictured myself this old, I thought I'd die by the time I reached this age. I really did. With the kamikaze lifestyle I've lived in my teen years so far, I'm pleasantly suprised I've turned out like I have. I've calmed down a lot and let my morals shake some sense into me. I'm suprised that I've became an Elder. I'm surprised that I'm slightly important. it's nice, at times.

Things will turn out alright for me. I'm going to travel and realize that everyone in the world wants the same goddamn cheesy goal-to be loved. Everyone wants to be loved. I observe this wherever I go...Girls dressed up to attract a possible husband...Boys looking at their lips to see if they'd look nice around their dick...and maybe they'll like her personality afterwards..ha! It's funny...human nature. I feel like I know all about it cause I've been alone so long I've been able to observe it and write all about it. I know what they're thinking, I know whats going on, and I know why they're dressed to the nines to attract eachother for their own selfish purposes, that is, because, humans are the most self centered species in the universe, like it or not...
At least I can admit it.