does he even know how much PAIN i'm going through?
how I've lost EVERY SINGLE PERSON I'M CLOSE TO?
and how he made that PROMISE?
promises now mean nothing to me. promise is just just a synonym for lie.
I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE.
I've had nothing but extreme hurt from them.
just abandonment.
that's why I've just kinda secluded myself into my world of paints and fabrics.
I'm so lonely.
I wish I had a friend.
or something that could talk to me.
and laugh.
I'm so upset that my arms are twitching again.

I wake up every morning and think about how fucking nice sleeping is.
Every day, when the big hand is on the 4 and the little hand is on the 3, I get a squeal in my head.
Every day, I wait til I can come home and write and paint and dance and sing and draw..
Every day.
Every single day I breathe so that the air can oxygenate the cells that compose my body so I can do all of these things, and I'm glad I have every single one of them.

I just want to get out of the rut though...I'm pullin so hard but I'm stuck worse than a camel in quicksand. I can feel it's coming soon, due to all that has been going on and how I've thrown basically all my relationships out the window. It's refreshing, I think.

I just have a few more weeks of school left.
I need to get rid of financial worries. I'm so broke I can't even pay my celly bill.
Maybe I should tap dance on mill all Josephine Baker-style.
OH CRAP! mother's day is coming up.
OH CRAP! I have an opportunity to make money by watching kids all day.
OH CRAP! I want to be left alone.

OH CRAP! sometimes, when people talk, I get a flash thought of punching them and it's really funny cause when people get punched int he face, they make the dumbest face ever. hahahahaha. its like...FAT and "...derr" and "I'm so stupid, I wouldn't know a punch if it hit me in the face!" hahahahaha.
Call me messed up, but if you think about it, it truely IS funny. Especially when the hair flies up.
Just think of jackie chan or something getting hit.

Tomorrow is my art day. I'm really stoked.
The next day is my academic day. My motivation is to do well so I don't have to take study hall next year so I can leave school an hour early.
MAN, everything is pointless!

oi vey. Busy.
painting. school. art jerkface.
I miss him.
my future. dealing with my past. staying sane.
I really miss him.
keeping my chin high. witty comments. not enough hours in the day.
I ain't ever dating anyone again.

Seems every day the trouble doubles and leaves me one step behind. I just can't compromise. I need to wise up to the world and see that it's transparent and the population will do anything for a buck.
I gotta admit That I'm included.

I'll sell my material posessions and trade the currency for all my obsessions. I'm materialistic. I know. It fills the void cheaply and flows into all the faucets.

It's all good, I guess. I'm busy. I don't think. I'm alive. Every day is good. I get to do what I love. I don't have to pay for where I live and lately, I feel like I'm middle class instead of tight walkin' on the poverty line like I have the past 17 years. I have a nice backyard with a little garden and cable TV. Diet soda.
I've got it a lot better now than I ever have.
Things aint that bad.
My insides though...They're greedy bastards.
they want a tattoo internship.
and a Stella scooter.
and my Judy Jabsco tattoo.
and lots of clothes.
Lots...and LOTS of clothes.

I need to write more for the movement. the article. Since I was left with nothin' but dust in my hands, I shed my skin and grew up a little....Okay, a lot. I decided that a lot of people in my life are toxic and unneccessary. Petty....you know. Typical people. I don't talk to them anymore. I don't do much of anything, yet I do everything. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't talk....I draw, I plan, I work.
By myself.

I kind of like it though. It's made me impatient though cause people just aren't fast enough. When I speak to them, I'm thinking "get to the point." and there IS none. It's probably just cause I'm busy and I have tons to do and need to get things done and over with.

I get out of school on june 17th. after this week, that'll be 5 weeks. Goddammit!
Next year is going to suck too....I can tell.

I want to always be a teenager, but I want to be older and get out of the rut I've been stuck in for so long. I still hold on to things of my past, which I really don't like. At times, I wish I could let go of all the violence I learned and took note of and at times, use now. After I move on, start again (for the millionth time) I think I'll be okay.

I don't know where I'm going to live. I want to be near a scene. Near people I understand. Near someone I can call a friend. I know that's not here. I'm obviously a squarepeg. But being here is making me stronger and realize what's wrong and what not to be, so I appreciate it.

Life is good right now, but just hard. It's a constant sweat.