i wanna get stabbed.
just so i can compare it to my life RIGHT NOW.

i havent been this down in a few months.
why?

I am all alone. people want stuff from me.
but im all alone.
again.
god...right when school is starting too..two more days.

its been so long. i need some help.
i want a hug from p(xy) but he doesnt seem too interested in me anymore. if hes not, fuck him.
fuck the world.
ill take over.
so people will be my friends.
and want things from me.
and i can give it to them.
a(xx) is my only friend. i miss her. ill see her on monday. shes been in CA. blaaaaahh..i need to laugh. i cant help but have a good time when im with her.

LE(xx) and LI(xx) picked me up the other nite. LE(XX) made me feel like shit about myself, like always. i dont wanna talk to her much this year. she always calls me names. and shes a huge exxagorator....she was like "jo. i hear youre a pothead now" and "how many old guys did you fuck THIS summer?"
god...
none of her fucking business. but i told her anyways. next time, i should just slap her fuckin face. now i see why A(XY) hates her. she used to be nice. now shes just a stupid indie bitch. i dont like to be talked to like that.

ahh..now i finally update about my trip...
so, i drove to LA this weekend. it was fabulous.
ut.ter.ly. fab.u.lous.

drove most of the way there, while my dad talked to me about his side of his familys history...apparently, my grandfather raped my uncle...a lot...and i didnt even know it...it was really horrible, and i was being a bit eccentric (but being able to hide it) cause i stayed up all nite, and got hepped up on xenadrine before i left.

drove straight to disneyland...blaaah. when we first got to the california adventure, i was sooooooper tired, and thinking of N(XY) and how i was supposed to call him asap...but i didnt til like 3...

sunday: meet up with N(XY) at 10am...i was sooo happy to see him. hes an awesome guy. kinda cocky. but we walked around all day. managed to break free from my dad after an hour or so...we mostly talked about sex, relationships, and his stay in japan...lots about fashion designers too.

then it was the suburban legends show in dtd. i was sooo stoked..but n(xy) wasnt really into it. he doesnt like ska that much..but i met up with some valley ska boys there, who were just chillin before the chain reaction show. A(xy) N(xy) and D(XY) as well as a few others that i dont know their names..(i should...damn) i met M(xy) there and it was fun. i had only talked to him two days prior to my trip, so as soon as he saw me, he gave me a big hug. he kept joking around and kept asking me if we were gonna make out...and i was like nawww..not now!! ahh!! but he kept going..i wouldve if n(xy) werent there. but he was. so we kept going back n fourth between sets. at around 730-8, we went into the park...talked MORE. he said it was time for my "punishment" (long story! hahah) so we went on the pirates of the carribean, cause we heard this one guy say "pirates eat bad little girls" and my hopes werent fufilled..aww..hahah...it was our second time riding it, and we "deja vu"d our conversations, and i said "were deja vu-ing!!" and he goes "but this time, itll be different" and he kissed me..FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!

we made out on a lot of other rides...it was so fucking classic! like some sort of dream come true....and his lipring...holy fuuuckinnnn shiiiit!!!! man...

the funny thing is, is that i dont feel really bad...i mean with P(xy) and all..i mean, we arent "official" and hes so far away, and he did kiss his ex before he left and all...so i have the right...

now the thing with M(xy) too...m(xy) is a doll!! we talk online...

lots of guys have been like...being sweet to me lately..i dunno what the dill is. all these ska guys are like "you are so fucking gorgeous..blah blah blah"
i dunno whats up wtih it....its been the past few weeks...at first, it totally raised my confidence, now its getting kinda old, and i think that theyre saying it just to say it...i dunno...its starting to bug me...i dunno.

i start school on monday. its gonna be good but strange....hm..

well,well, well...the time has come.
my bags are packed.
im heading to LA in 5 hrs...and counting.
i will be driving.
i will be going to disneyland.
i will be seeing suburban legends.
i will be meeting N(XY)
i will be scared to ask my dad to do things.

well, the thing is, i wanna go to the show at the chain reaction, so i can see all these "secret" ska bands playing..but i dont think hell let me. damnity damn damn damn.

I GOTTA GO! I GOT TO! PLEASE, BEING WHO MADE ME! LET HIM LET ME GO!!!!!!!!!!!! OH BEING WHO CREATED ME, IT WILL IMPROVE MY EXISTANCE...OH BEING!! YOU ARE BEING SO..BEINGLIKE!

what was up with that? huh. i dunno...i kinda dont want to hang out with N(xy) just cause...blah. hes being kinda a dick, and i dont want to be forced to feel like i have to do anything with him....we had kinda a stint, ya know? an online crush like thing. i think hes over it. i know i am. but i dunno...

im waiting for P(XY) to call me. i got a package in the mail from him today, with a shirt and stuff. i was glad. what a guy, what a guy, what a GUY!
*sigh*
i hope this weekend is good. i hope its not longwinded like a lot of things are with my dad...oh being, dont let it be longwinded.....

whats with this "being" bullshit??