must use inhaler: white boys are more fun.
Green Space Men: haha...yeah you just found out.........
Green Space Men: i wanna marry you.........
Green Space Men: and if you tell me you will......
Green Space Men: ill wait for you......
Green Space Men: and buy you things...
must use inhaler: youre kidding....
Green Space Men: and etc.......
Green Space Men: :-(
Green Space Men: nope.........
must use inhaler: i didnt mean it in a negative way!
must use inhaler: i just dont see why youd wanna marry..me..
Green Space Men: im scared like that im falling for you........
and if it werent for the drugs im on..i dont think I could have ever admitted that.......

an email:
Every time I think of you it hurts that I left.....
You made everything SOOOO good before I left,
i guess the reason I would get so mad is that I was very sorry
to have to leave someone that I cared so deeply for, and that was so
willing to do whatever for me: Jo Wallace.

I was getting frustrated that you were so special and bound there
by high school, etc.......it hurt that no matter how nice or good I
could be
to you
I had no hope.......

I cant wait to see you in the future.......you and I would do very
nicely
together.....

Love Always,'

i woke up to that. i checked my mail as soon as i got up...its from P(XY)....(i cut off his whole name) but gosh...
i dont know how to reply. what to say. i dont know. i dont know whether to be happy or sad.
im just left with this gray feeling, just a mismash of every feeling put together. if someone told me how to feel, id go with that, just cause im lost.
im not signing on to AIM, just cause thats what keeps me on the computer for forever. i dont want to tell him via AIM. thats lame.
god! what should i say?
whenever i was around him, i just felt as if it were about sex, and then some talking. getting things off of our chest. it was very strange. strangest relationship ive ever had with a human being. there was me-
16 year old girl. high school. shows. the scene. friends. family drama. needing stability. a tendency to cling to people emotionally.
and him-
older. PLAYED the shows. musician. hip. bars. did what i wanted to do with my family. made me feel as if i were something.
whats a girl to do? im sitting here, weeping a bit. (i hate it when i tear up like this) but why am i? if i was an outsider looking in, i would say it would be an easy situation to let go of, and it is. i already let go, just cause i knew i can get it back whenever. he is a true blue person, which is so hard to find. hell be there. but when i recieve things like that in my mailbox......it just brings me back to cuddling up in his bed, thinking that ill eventually have to go home alone.
or when he calls me, and says that he wishes he could kiss me then and there.
its all just a throwback.
its a seizure.
walking alone..fine...then i hear those things, and its uncontrollable.
i think im done for now. just trying to get things out so i dont say something stupid in an email, which im notorious for..
-jo

today i OCD cleaned my room. and i decided to throw away the toxic things....the finalization that im not friends with them anymore. and the finalization that im over with their shit.
this may sound stupid, but to me, handwritten notes that ive held on to are so close to me..ive kept almost every single one from all my close friends. there was about 10lbs of them. im not kidding you. i had them all in a huge mead binder and a safe.
i went through all of them...threw away about 90% of them...only kept a few...most of them were from E(xx) and with all the stuff thats happend with her....i dunno. it was like total backstabbing. i dont curse her or anything, its just i realized that i dont need to be walked on.
i realized how childish the letters were, and how complainy i can be. i shouldnt be such a pussy.
so...as im walking out to the trash with this armful of my past, i was just walking really slow, thinking of the transition of notes, from hand to hand, and that these people had taken their time to write me...but had hurt me as well. im glad they didnt. i learned a lesson or so..
so i approached the recycling bin..opened it..and let go.
its done.
case closed.
thank you.
goodbye.
where the notes had been on my chest burnt and felt warm, and i touched it...
goodbye friends of the past, have a good future.
-jo